Worth

...Cat: But if he loved her so much, why did she push him away?
Vincent: She didn't feel worthy.
Cat: How can you be so sure?
Vincent: Cause I know what it feels like.

I was watching the recent episode of Beauty and the Beast series and this particular scene just made me feel like, oh yes, of course, I can relate.

I apologize ahead of time if this post would not seem so positive, I've been glass half empty for the past 10 days. See, before I watched this, I also wrote something on my YM status, I said: "How to make this right? Maybe I don't deserve it." I was implying about him...L. The last time I talked to him was 10 days ago, trying to fix what I think I'm breaking. I feel like I keep on pushing him away because of my own selfish concerns...not enough effort, I don't know if he's really into me or maybe he's like this to everyone, and so on. But what I fear most is, maybe I'm not worthy of him, I guess. I mean, why doubt myself now..but I think it's because I'm trying to be a better person, I'm being tested more often than not. I feel that I'm not worthy because I'm still not the person I want myself to be...I'm still a work in progress, and I know with God's grace, I just need a few more polishing and I'm all set.

However, no matter how many times I say I'll stay away, I keep on coming back.

I don't know if this was a sign, but like I said, 10 days post L doesn't do me any good, but I'm REALLY trying. So, I had to work today (I hate working on a Saturday), when I was on my way home, I was walking with my teammate outside this mall, almost at the stop to get a ride, then, I saw this familiar face, it was the guy I used to have like a crush on at my previous office, take this, he's L's friend (there's a story for this, to keep it short, on their account many girls like them, I like this guy, and my friends like L, but turns out, the guy I like and I have the same last name, so I ended up liking no one. LOL!). Then he looked at me, like he also saw a familiar face, right at that moment, I thought about L right away and I left him a message, but somehow, I feel like he's slipping away (jeez, I hope not).

Now, I don't know what to do, I really feel good talking to him, what I failed to realize was, I'm always waiting around for him to show up (by that I mean send me a message or whatever since he's far). I know I need to wait to see and pray to see where is this leading to and I know I'm not really used to taking things slow, but this time, I'm taking a chance, I'm going to try to do my very best to wait and be patient enough to take things slow.

Slowly but surely. And you know what they say, "If it's easy, they'll move on."

I just have to be thankful that he came to my life on an impeccable timing. I just need to open my eyes and stop over-thinking. I'm still hoping for the best and I won't be scared anymore. Haha!

Well now, I better continue with my series marathon, my way to release stress.

Au revoir!

Re-post

Earlier, my sister sent me this...and I must say that it's really inspiring for me. As what I replied to her, "swak na swak sakin!" Haha!

BEAUTIFICATION

By Nova Arias-Sevilla

“Are you single by choice?”

I got that question a lot — and I mean a LOT. Usually I would reply with a “yes” if only to end that topic of conversation, but after years of being asked that, I resolved to give an honest reply to humor the asker… and me: “I’m single by fate.”

Like any hopeless romantic, I dreamed that my love life would be a fairy tale. That’s why it was such a horror to see my adult life unfolding before me as a nightmare. I wish I could share the details of my unfortunate love life here, but trust me when I say they were sordid. One broken heart after another made me lose interest in dating. Waste of time, I thought. Worse, I almost believed that no one would take me seriously. I was always the dumpee, you see. And so I worked like a horse to be productive and keep my mind preoccupied. At the end of each day, though, I was drowning in misery and insecurity. I lived like this for more than 10 years.

One day my best friend lent to me an audio CD. She told me it was a live recording of Neale Donald Walsch’s talk when the bestselling American author of Conversations with God visited Manila. I haven’t read any of his books, and I was aware that the Catholic Church advises Catholics to be discerning about literature of this kind, but I listened to the CD upon my best friend’s insistence that the talk would lift me up.

“Do not seek the one,” Mr. Walsch advised the lady who asked him how she could find Mr. Right. “Instead, be the one you would like to find…. And when you’ve become the most beautiful person you could ever be, the one who is right for you will find you.” Wham! He’s right… I need to find myself again, to love myself again…

In the process of resurrecting and beautifying me, I learned to enjoy being single. I was free to do things that I wanted to do: I went out with my barkada (friends) any time at any day, I went on out-of-town trips with my church choir, I pampered myself with weekly trips to the spa, and I spent quality time with my family, to name a few. I also learned to appreciate myself and see me for who I really am. Amidst all these, God revealed His glory to me through the people that surrounded me at work. He became my new best friend who kept me company in my alone time, so much so that I found myself telling Him that if He alone truly suffices, then teach me to embrace singlehood if that was His will for me. Oh, it hurt to give up my deepest longing to get married and have kids, especially that I was approaching the big 4-0, but my heart told me it was time to let go and let God. I served God through my work at SVP, through my church service, and I welcomed doing other apostolic work.

Three months after I turned 39, God gave me the biggest surprise. I got reacquainted with my childhood sweetheart on Facebook, and little did we both know that we would end up together as husband and wife. We have been married for two months now. The most bizarre thing was that we led similar lives and suffered the same heartaches through the years, almost at the same period of time. Maybe now I can say that I’m married by fate, tee-hee.

I see now that God must’ve wanted me to fix myself first so that I could be the person He created me to be. For how could I be fit for marriage when I was filled with insecurities? How could I be an encouraging partner when I felt worthless? How could I make my husband happy when I was unhappy with myself?

My biggest learning: No other person can complete me. I needed to work on myself, to discover my full potential, to be the one I wanted to find, so that I could be found. I needed to be complete so that I can wholly love another. And it was God’s presence in my life that helped me to become whole again. Truly, He suffices.

Starting Fresh

Today, I've decided that I'm going to make this blog what I want it to be. It will reflect on who I am now, different...better.

I'm going to write or re-blog all positive things I think or read. I noticed that all I wrote before are just negative. All I do was to whine and that's the reason why the same things keep on happening over and over again. And I refuse to settle for that feeling.

By the time I made a decision that I won't go through what I went through over the past, I started to become happy and peaceful. The things I thought matters most, just seems like non-sense now, my vices, the unnecessary night out with the people who I thought are my friends, etc.
I learned to lean on God, among other things. I pray to become the woman God planned me to be. It has been two months since I made that decision and I never looked back. I learned so much from my past and I acknowledge all my mistakes, I promised myself I wouldn't go back to that...ever again, I wouldn't even want to feel that way again.

On my birthday (29 September), it was a month after I decided to move forward and leave it all to God, to let His plans for me take place. That time, I was talking to my sister, and she told me how proud she was that I'm a totally different person than what she witnessed a month prior to my birthday. I told her that I felt so much better, I feel complete (rebuilding my relationship with God and my family), it's heart-warmingly good, that I'm crying because I feel truly happy. I realized that I was chasing after the wrong things and I make decisions based on my emotions...most of the time, while what I needed after all is to trust God, to trust that He has bigger plan for me than what I have for myself. My sister said, if you feel happy now, what more after a year, or two, or in the future. I should be more excited about what's going to be in store for me after a year. I'm really looking forward to see what God planned for me.

I'm still a work in progress and I know that the challenges will not stop here. I'm still dealing with a lot of issues, but I know that I'm so much stronger now and I know I could face all those weaknesses. I take it one day at a time.

In the future, I'll be posting about what I'm learning. I hope I could be an inspiration to some people, for them to know that you can always turn things around and we always have God who saves us each and every time. It's never too late.

Calculated Risk

So, I posted something on my Tumblr acct that says: Your biggest risk will be the one you don't take.
Then, my sister told me, hey, I saw your post on Tumblr, do you know about calculated risk?
My mind was buffering...what an idiot, I thought of myself (sorry, been like this for a few weeks now, so please bear with me), then I said, no, no I don't. So she said, google it. And I did.

Definition:
Calculated Risk
noun
- A chance of failure, the probability of which is estimated before some action is undertaken.

Then, my sister told me (not the exact words, but to my understanding), there's nothing wrong in being a risk taker, but you must also need to weigh things before acting upon it.

And yes, I do agree.
The thing is, I'd like to take risks, its just that, with every decision I have to make, I calculate the risk over and over again, and concluding after that I'm going to fail at it, ending up taking a step backwards.

I don't know why I have always been afraid, was it because the wrong choices I made in the past? I don't know. Maybe because for once, I want to make things right. I feel like I screw things up more often than not.

Well, just gonna keep this short, need to prepare to meet my high school friends tonight.

LalalaLOVE! :)

Just bored. This was taken Friday morning when I got home from work.

I miss blogging.

White Flag

Well, while I was at the hospital, Nisha and I have been listening to some tunes. This song just gave me a certain twinge. Suddenly I just listened to the lyrics and made me think of the music video, and I was like OMG!!! Haha:)) I don't want to explain why I had that reaction. But it just made me remember so much.

Happy Valentines day everyone. (Oh, its raining!)



White Flag - Dido

The Best Sister In The World:)

A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, a golden thread to the meaning of life. - Isadora James


I remember my sister posting something about me, so now its about time I post something about her.

I always feel blessed that I have an older sister. She taught me everything I need to know, she's my confidant, my best friend, my everything. I look up to her. She knows everything about me. She is the only person who gets me, even if I don't tell her that something is wrong, she will just tell me that something is bothering me or whatever.

She told me that when I was little, I always talk about her with my teacher. So I imagine myself going like "My sister is like this, like that". She said my teacher called her and told her all about it. Well, actually when I was little until I reached my teenage years, I really look up to her. I know that she tried her best to set a good example for me and she is. She also taught me very valuable lessons in life that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

Ate Candy and I are very close but we are really different. She actually mentioned this on her blog, so you go check it out, I'm going to put the link below this post later. Well, I'll just mention the things I love most about my sister.

I love spending time with her and just talk, we can go on all day, and we won't even run out of things to talk about haha. We always have this "heart to heart" talks and its mostly because of me. Haha:)) She's very patient with me(I'm very stubborn kasi). I love it most that she is the only person who knows what makes me feel better when I'm feeling so down, I will never forget when I went to her pad and just broke down, and after, she and my cousin Sacha took me to Eastwood to have coffee and talk, and then we watched Sex and the City. After that night, I felt so much better. I also admire how strong she is, I wish I would be like that, and she's very independent (I'm still working on that). She just never gave up on me, when I know that there are some instances that I'm so much difficult to deal with, she still reminded me that I can overcome this thing. She believes in me.

We hold hands while sleeping. - Well, it started when we were little, all of my cousins love Ate Candy, and they all want to be her best friend. When we will sleep over at my cousin's place, every one wants to sleep beside her, so it leaves me on the far side. Before we sleep, she will just reach over her hand and then I'll just hold it, suddenly I'm asleep already. Ever since, I couldn't sleep when I'm not holding her hand.

I'm her critic. - Well, since I am the one who helps her prepare for work before, when she was about to leave the house, she would always ask me to rate her outfit. She knows that I don't give a 10, so it means that my highest is a 9 or 8 1/2. Haha:))

We love watching movies and series together. And while watching, we eat chocolates because we just love sweets, a lot. :)

I love you Candice Aquino! Soo much!:) I'm really thankful that God gave me a sister like you!:)
You're the best sister in the world!:) Mwah


Read: "Twisted Sisters" http://sugarcoatedsunshine.blogspot.com/2008_02_01_archive.html