Worth

...Cat: But if he loved her so much, why did she push him away?
Vincent: She didn't feel worthy.
Cat: How can you be so sure?
Vincent: Cause I know what it feels like.

I was watching the recent episode of Beauty and the Beast series and this particular scene just made me feel like, oh yes, of course, I can relate.

I apologize ahead of time if this post would not seem so positive, I've been glass half empty for the past 10 days. See, before I watched this, I also wrote something on my YM status, I said: "How to make this right? Maybe I don't deserve it." I was implying about him...L. The last time I talked to him was 10 days ago, trying to fix what I think I'm breaking. I feel like I keep on pushing him away because of my own selfish concerns...not enough effort, I don't know if he's really into me or maybe he's like this to everyone, and so on. But what I fear most is, maybe I'm not worthy of him, I guess. I mean, why doubt myself now..but I think it's because I'm trying to be a better person, I'm being tested more often than not. I feel that I'm not worthy because I'm still not the person I want myself to be...I'm still a work in progress, and I know with God's grace, I just need a few more polishing and I'm all set.

However, no matter how many times I say I'll stay away, I keep on coming back.

I don't know if this was a sign, but like I said, 10 days post L doesn't do me any good, but I'm REALLY trying. So, I had to work today (I hate working on a Saturday), when I was on my way home, I was walking with my teammate outside this mall, almost at the stop to get a ride, then, I saw this familiar face, it was the guy I used to have like a crush on at my previous office, take this, he's L's friend (there's a story for this, to keep it short, on their account many girls like them, I like this guy, and my friends like L, but turns out, the guy I like and I have the same last name, so I ended up liking no one. LOL!). Then he looked at me, like he also saw a familiar face, right at that moment, I thought about L right away and I left him a message, but somehow, I feel like he's slipping away (jeez, I hope not).

Now, I don't know what to do, I really feel good talking to him, what I failed to realize was, I'm always waiting around for him to show up (by that I mean send me a message or whatever since he's far). I know I need to wait to see and pray to see where is this leading to and I know I'm not really used to taking things slow, but this time, I'm taking a chance, I'm going to try to do my very best to wait and be patient enough to take things slow.

Slowly but surely. And you know what they say, "If it's easy, they'll move on."

I just have to be thankful that he came to my life on an impeccable timing. I just need to open my eyes and stop over-thinking. I'm still hoping for the best and I won't be scared anymore. Haha!

Well now, I better continue with my series marathon, my way to release stress.

Au revoir!