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Today, I feel alone more than ever. When I look at everyone, it seems like things are actually happening in their lives whereas mine is slowing down. Now, Everybody's Changing by Keane is playing in my head, feeling like a show or something. I'm soooo weird.

I don't want to be alone anymore. :'(

There's a lot where my sadness is coming from and not just about the matters of the heart. I've been dealing with this for a few weeks now. Just thinking about it makes me cry. I guess I don't need to really tell the story about that, let's just say, my favorite person in the whoooole world is moving to another country...and that's my sister. That being said, it just feels like...no words (can describe how I feel). I just started crying like I've never cried before while typing this (it actually helped a lot because I got to release what I'm feeling). I think my emotions are just pushing me to the edge. If you ask me, I REALLY don't want to feel anything...AT ALL. I want to numb myself and to clear my head from anything that would lead to realizing that I'm alone.

I may seem discouraged now but I still believe and I'm not going to give up. Who knows, I'm just a few days, weeks or months away from meeting the man I'm going to love for the rest of my days and beyond. But for now, I'm done looking, I'm done confusing myself that every guy I feel attracted to is possibly the right one.

Before I started writing, I watched this video, it is a testimony about meeting the right person. You know what, I was reminded of what I would keep telling myself (but eventually grew tired of it). I always tell myself (pretty much most of what I write in my blog as well) that when I meet the right person for me, I'll know. I don't know how to describe it, but it would be like a discernment or a certainty that I'll be spending the rest of my days with this person. When I meet that person, I will not hold back, I will not give in to my fears, and I won't let that person go.

Oh man, I really don't have a clue why I feel like this for days now. I can't wait for my breakthrough. I really don't want to feel like this anymore. Well, that pretty much sums it up. Although, I don't really feel like going into details about my emotions and I'm sure I didn't make any sense at all with this post. I just need an outlet because my heart couldn't handle this anymore.

Mmkay, whoever gets to read this, bear with me. I really hope I could write something upbeat soon. Keeping my fingers crossed on that, believe me, I'd rather share how happy I am than sad. Time for some shut eye. Goodnight! x

Procrastination

Lately, I've been drifting away from the most important thing I need to everyday..and that is my devotional and my time with God. Whatever reason I have for not doing it is just a flimsy excuse, I know. Not doing it makes me feel guilty and emptier than ever.

What a huge difference it makes just a day not spending time or giving it to God. What more can a week or more?

My actions reflects me, however, I'm not showing how Nicole really is. I'm not giving my 100% at work as I should, I'm easily swayed, I don't speak life giving words, and I just settling for mediocrity. What I'm doing now was not what I promised myself to do. I should always be on my best, not settling for less.

Admitting these things is extremely hard for me and I'm disappointed. Here comes the water works. :,(
I need to follow through, I need to finish what I started.

My devotional today really answered most of my questions:
(from Rick Warren's Daily Devotional)
Day 117:


Why Do I Procrastinate?

The Bible says you procrastinate for one of five reasons.

Indecision. "A double minded man is unstable in all he does." (James 1:8 LB) Indecision causes you to postpone buying a car, choosing a college, getting married, buying new clothes, changing a job.

Perfectionism. "If you wait for perfect conditions, you'll never get anything done!" (Ecclesiastes 11:4 LB) If you wait for things to be perfect, you're going to wait a long time.

Fear. "The fear of man is a trap." (Proverbs 29:25 LB) Have you been postponing going to the dentist? Or getting into marriage counseling? Ask yourself, "What am I afraid of?"

Anger. "A lazy person is as bad as someone who is destructive." (Proverbs 18:9 GNT) Procrastination is passive resistance. I don't want to do it because I don't like you telling me to do what I have to do. Anger causes us to put things off.

Laziness. "Lazy people want much but get little, while the diligent are prospering." (Proverbs 13:4 LB) One of the most popular words in America is "easy." If it's easy, we like it. If it's hard, we don't like it.

The next time you find yourself procrastinating, stop and ask yourself why. Then ask God to help you overcome it so you can move forward and do what you need to do.

-- I strongly agree. I'm indecisive, I wait for the perfect moments (which keeps on passing me by because I fail to take a deeper look). I fear rejection, failure, disappointment, and I fear that I'm not good enough. I'm putting things on hold because of all those things.

Writing all these things I need to improve on is really difficult, it's making me cry like a baby. But acknowledging the fact that I need to change shows strength, I suppose. The Holy Spirit is nudging me to act on it and I'm thankful. No more procrastinating, Nicole. It's time to move and show what you can offer. It's now or never.

I'm not going to let the enemy defeat me, I've come so far to give up now. And I know that the moment you're tempted to give up, you must fight harder because your breakthrough is near. God is bigger than any problems or worries that I have, He can move mountains and I know I'm not alone, He is with me all the way.



I'm glad to finally have the words to express what I've been feeling for the past 2 weeks or so. Now, time to get some shut eye. Goodnight! x